I fucking hate myself

By dan - On

I wrote this post in my journal a while ago. I thought I’d share it now to help people understand the ups and downs of running a business. Everyone talks about failure after the event when they have overcome it, and are now successful. I figured I’d talk about it while it’s happening.

Today I find myself walking to the shops, and I have the thought “If my past self from only a few years ago saw me right now, walking down this street, he would be fucking ashamed”.

My shorts are too big, I look like a loser.

I’m poor. I’ve lost almost everything, and I could realistically lose ABSOLUTELY everything. All we have left is our shit house in Labrador. We call it ‘Last Stop Labrador’.

Only 3 years ago, I was rich. I started, ran and owned the majority of one of Australia’s most loved beer brands, Black Hops Brewing.

I owned a brand new mansion in the best suburb on the Gold Coast, Mermaid Beach. When I used to go for walks it would be because I woke up smelling the Pacific ocean, and I could walk 50m down to the beach to grab a coffee and check the surf.

I was on the top of the world. Now I walk to the Labrador shops, in stupid oversized shorts I got on special.

This all sounds very superficial, but it’s not about the suburb I live in. Actually I love it in Labrador. I’ve never been happier living in a house in my life, and I’ve lived in a lot!

It’s just impossible not to think about how far I’ve fallen, when I’m walking through the streets of Labrador, one of the cheapest suburbs on the Gold Coast. My Mermaid Beach House was worth $3.1m, not to mention my $10m+ of shares in Black Hops. And now I own a house worth about $800k, that the bank is trying to take from me.

I constantly think about how badly the whole thing blew up, and at what point what tiny little tweak in events would have prevented the whole thing. It’s impossible for me to imagine the last 3 years going any worse than they have. Of course I’m well aware things can always be worse. We’re still here, we’re healthy.

I grew up with a dad who played Zig Ziglar tapes in the car on the way to school. I know how important positive thinking is.

But it’s just so bloody hard to do it.

Maybe I need to re-read my own self help book. Or maybe I need to write again – that might help..myself. But if I write about anything publicly, I’ll probably get sued into oblivion. So I’ll just write in this journal.

Is it helping? I don’t know.

What I do know is my kids used to look up to me. I know they used to think it was cool that their friends’ dads loved Black Hops. And their footy coach loved Black Hops. He knew I was the Black Hops guy. I used to give him a beer ‘care package’ at the end of the season. I mean that was pretty cool!

I saw the coach the other day. He was sitting 2 rows in front of us at the footy game. He didn’t even recognise me.

I think about how at the kids’ ages, this current Dan is the one they are going to remember – a fucking loser.

I’m not unfamiliar with failure. I wrote my first book, The 7 Day Startup, all about my past failures and one little moment where it all turned around. Ironically the book itself was quite successful.

Success seems like an impossibility to me now.

Losing my house (again) is the thing I’m worried about the most.

When you’re a business owner, it’s extremely difficult to buy a house. Banks don’t want to loan business owners money. So when I bought my first house, I did it just before I quit my job. I was 24.

I’m now 45. If I lose this house, realistically I might never own another one.

My dad retired when he was 55.

My self confidence has never been lower.

I can’t imagine ever having a job. But let’s say I did get a job, and a good one. Let’s say I get paid $100k a year. With rent, and life, and everything else, I’d be lucky to save $10k / year. $100k over 10 years.

As a scrappy business owner of almost 20 years, I have fuck all Superannuation. I’m kind of regretting draining my limited Super during Covid so I could forgo a wage and help keep Black Hops afloat. And for what?

I could be retiring with $100k.

Tony Hsieh, a successful business owner started Zappos, and sold it to Amazon for $1.1b in 2009.

He said “Money alone isn’t enough to bring happiness… happiness [is] when you’re actually truly ok with losing everything you have”.

In 2020 he was burned to death in a pool shed at his girlfriend’s house. They found a disassembled portable propane heater, discarded cigarettes, several nitrous oxide chargers, a marijuana pipe and Fernet-Branca liqueur bottles.

The officials said the fire may have been caused by “carelessness or even an intentional act,”.

Well…. I do love a Fernet, and an inspirational quote.

This is the fucking shit I’m thinking about walking to Aldi.

dan
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